He Seemed Like Such a Good Guy

He Seemed Like Such a Good Guy

Mainstream media is running hard today with a story about a well-known figure. That doesn't make this issue any more important than it is on any other day. Women are living this on quiet Tuesdays when nobody's reporting on it. But when the spotlight swings this way, I think we should use it. To share our perspectives, our values, and our resources if we have them.

So I'm sharing a sliver of my own story, which I don't usually do.

We keep looking for monsters

We keep waiting for abusers to look like abusers. Most of the time, they don't look like anything. They can be charming, generous, funny, great with kids. The one everyone is glad turned up.

I know this from the inside. I know what it's like when the person everyone admires is the person you're managing at home. When you start explaining yourself before you've even spoken. When the version of him you live with doesn't match the version the world claps for.

Reading the comments today makes me feel physically sick. All the shock. "But he seemed like such a good guy." It takes me straight back to hearing those same words, over and over, from people who only ever saw the good guy. That sentence lands very differently when you're the one who knew what happened after the door closed.

What coercive control actually looks like

Coercive control rarely starts with a fist. It starts with reading the room before you walk into it. Softening your voice. Dropping the topic. Checking his mood before you check your own. Making yourself smaller, bit by bit, until quiet feels like safety.

And it doesn't happen to one kind of woman. Young and older. Mums and women without kids. Women with money and women without it. Trans women. Women with disability. Women in relationships with women. Every culture, every postcode, every faith. There's no type. There's only the pattern.

To be clear, an allegation is not a conviction, and the legal process matters. But taking violence seriously isn't the same as declaring someone guilty. We can hold both.

Why a boxing club is talking about this

Because Full Force and our teen girls programs at Geelong Boxing Club were never about learning to throw a punch.

They're about what happens in your body when you're allowed to take up space. To breathe loud. To make noise. To feel your feet on the floor and your voice leave your chest. To find out, maybe for the first time in a long time, that there's still fight in you.

Control teaches you to go quiet. This room teaches you that your voice is allowed. That you can be heard, make a commotion, and have other women standing right beside you while you do it.

For our teen girls, this is the protective part. A girl who knows her own strength, her own "no" and her own voice before anyone tries to take them is a girl who's harder to shrink.

Please hear this part clearly

Standing up to someone who uses violence or control can make things more dangerous, not less. Confronting them, or leaving, is often when the risk is highest. What we build in the gym is not a plan to fight back at home. Your safety plan should be made with a specialist service, quietly, and on your terms.

If this is your home right now, you don't have to prove anything. You don't have to have left sooner. You don't have to make it make sense to anyone. You deserve to feel safe where you live. Start with one call.

Where to get support in Australia

In immediate danger: 000

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 (24/7, call, text or chat)

Safe Steps (Victoria): 1800 015 188 (24/7 family violence support)

The Orange Door Barwon: local family violence support in Geelong

Kids Helpline (ages 5 to 25): 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Using controlling behaviour and want to change? Men's Referral Service: 1300 766 491

If your phone, email or socials might be checked, use a safe device and clear your browsing history after reading this.

My door's open

If you'd like to come and train, quietly, no explanation needed, my door's open. You can find out more about [Full Force] and our [teen girls programs] here.

Not about the punch. About the voice behind it.